DEFORMED BABIES

Sometimes I have stories or ideas that I absolutely love. I mean I really, truly love them. They are like babies. Which is why when they don't work out I don't just stop working on them and walk away. How could I? If you had a retarded kid would you kick it to the curb? While instinct might be to run from the deformed, mentally challenged monster that sprung from your loins, most people don't. Instead you do your best to raise that child, teach it to function as best it can in this cruel world and love it with all your heart because, after all, it's your child.

So, obviously, when one of my creative babies comes out only partially functional my instinct it to trash it but I know that I can't. My love is to strong so instead I work to fix it. To shape it. This results in a FOUR STAGE cycle that lasts for the duration of the project and it goes like this :

1. Frustration - My first instinct. I just want it to work. I KNOW it makes sense when I think about it in my head in broad strokes but when I start to add in the finer details things get jumbled and confusing. I'll try to approach the story from different angles and sometimes that helps. Maybe I'll switch the location of a scene or swap in a character for one who wasn't working but when those things don't solve the problem I move into stage...

2. Denial - Maybe it DOES work and I'm being to hard on myself. This usually works for a day or so. I convince myself that what I'm unhappy with is actually not bad and that I'm just letting my low self-esteeme get the better of me. This makes it easier to watch TV, surf the internet and procrastinate for as long as possible before I move into stage...

3. Depression - My least favorite stage. Some time has passed and I decide it's time to re-examine whatever story I'm stuck on. I do a read through and slowly die inside with every turn of the page. Phrases like, "This is terrible", "I can't believe I wrote this", "I'm going to be working a shitty day job forever"....the hits just keep on coming. This is followed by excessive eating of junk food, smoking, drinking and feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing and animosity towards anyone or anything I perceive as having more talent than me. This stage can last anywhere from a few hours to a few months before I move into the final stage...

4. Mysterious Over Confidence and Motivation - By far the strangest stage. I can describe what happens but not WHY it happens. The depression cloud lifts. I start to feel human again. Confidence builds ever so slightly. Then I start to read anything and everything. I watch a lot of movies and TV. I talk about the craft. I bounce ideas off of other writers. Suddenly I'm filled with the desire to right my wrongs. Even though it's been a struggle I'm suddenly positive I can leap this hurdle. This is the point where I pick up a RED PEN and start making serious notes. I make note cards and outlines. I write character profiles, make lists of what they want and fear. I do all the leg work and then

CLICK. POP. BOOM.

Everything works. Honestly folks it's like fucking magic. I don't know how or why. All I know is that eventually the smoke clears and the end is in sight and plain as can be.

Right now I'm somewhere between stage 2 and 3. I work on a lot of projects at once so that if I'm stuck with one script there is another that needs attention but lately I've been putting a lot of effort into reworking a script written over five years ago. All the parts are there but I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to assemble them. It's like having a billion piece puzzle with no box top to give you guidance. Usually these things work themselves out but it's been FIVE FUCKING YEARS.

How much longer do I have to have these characters, stories and voices in my head before I get it right and can put them to rest? Sigh.

I think I'm edging my way towards Stage 3. Maybe that means the end is (finally) nigh.