"That Sounds Like the Best Job" or How I Got A Job Driving Porn Stars

It appears I've opened a can of worms with a recent mention I made on a podcast about my days as a driver for porn stars. The podcast, for those curious, is available HERE.

The story of how I got started doing this is a pretty short one: I had been in LA for about nine months and had been without a steady job for about three. I got a call from an old friend of mine from South Florida (954 represent!) who said she was coming out to L.A. to sign a contract with an Agent.

"Cool. I didn't know you were an actress," I said, "Film or TV?"

"Films. Adult films. I'm a porn star now," she replied.

Let me quickly explain something to you, the term "porn star" is through around a lot in the Adult Film world, mostly by the Talent. You would think that "porn star" would be reserved to describe only the biggest names in XXX movies but you would be wrong. The phrase is almost immediately adopted by these girls before the ink on their contracts is dried and certainly before their first scene is shot. In their world it isn't exclusive to stardom, for them it is their job title. This quickly becomes an ego problem for a lot of these girls. With no term to differentiate a "star" from a "performer" these girls all become "stars" in their minds the moment they create a fake name for themselves.

FUN FACT: A lot of times the AGENT actually comes up with the "stage" name, rather than the performer.

This "star" mentality seems to grow with every new Twitter follower they gain and with it, so grows their ego. The problem with this is that unlike actual "stars" these girls are neither rich or famous, which makes taking shit from them that much harder to handle. And oh BOY do they know how to give shit....I've been cursed at, hit, spit at, laughed at, had doors slammed in my face, been told to go to hell, go fuck myself and drop fucking dead. All by girls who have had less than 5 appearances in a full length (pun intended) porn film.

Back to the point. (Didn't I say this was a short story?) My friend was now a porn star and coming to L.A. She wanted to hang out while she was in town and I agreed to meet her at her agent's office the following afternoon.

The office that I went to was a depressing little rental space in a sad-looking corporate park in Chatsworth, CA. The other businesses in the plaza are somber, financial institutions, which makes for interesting reactions when you pull up with a car full of scantily clad girls and walk through the whole plaza to the office in back. Of course the MALE workers love it and the female employees of the various other offices, seethe. I know some have even gone so far as to call the plaza management and complain about the lack of clothes the girls wear.

The first words I hear when I walk into the Modeling office to meet my friend, Katie Jordin, come out of the mouth of a middle-aged woman who looks like she stepped out of the Real Housewives of Orange County.

"Okay Jon, I got your list of nasty whores. They all said they're nasty and they'll lick all the buttholes you want," she said nonchalantly.

Before I have time to react to this I hear my name called out from across the room and turn my head just in time to see Katie, throw her arms around me for a huge hug. Katie is a tall, skinny brunette with a small bust and a big butt (FUN FACT: She is the star of a movie called Little Miss Big Ass). She's the typical girl-next-door type, with big brown eyes and a pretty smile. She was all smiles that day, excited about the beginning to her new....career.

I was introduced around the office and when I met her agent, Katie said, "Hey....Shawn, you need a job, right?"

"Um....depends."

"They need drivers here. You'd be a great driver because you're nice and not at all creepy," she said as she walked with me to meet the head Agent. "Hey, this is my friend Shawn. He needs a job. He'd be an awesome driver."

The Agent looked me over for a minute and then said, "I got a girl that needs to go downtown tonight at nine. You'll drive her, hang around the area and then bring her back. I'll give you a hundred and fifty, plus gas."

"Okay," I squeaked. This was all happening fast and although I was in a bad spot for money, I was still nervous about agreeing to do this job and starting so soon.

"Do you want to be in porn," he asked without looking up.

I shook my head, "Nope."

"Good. Then you're hired. Don't try to fuck the girls, don't show'em your cock, never accept blowjobs or drugs for rides. Got it?"

I nodded.

"Good. The girl at the front desk will give you the info, now, get out," he said. Katie and I started to leave and then the Agent looked up and said, "no, no....Katie, you stay and shut the door."

Katie waved goodbye, shut the door and that's how I started my two months as a driver for porn stars....